Tag Archives: Marriage

He or She Will Change

People have this serious misconception that a partner will change once they get married. After all marriage is a serious thing isn’t it?  So if a person take a vow to love and cherish you it means that they will even if the person was cheating on you and betraying your trust prior to the marriage. No they might not change. It is wrong to assume that and if you marry a person their behavior will suddenly change. If you marry someone knowing that they are being unfaithful to you what motivation is there for them to change. If you accepted the behavior isn’t it telling the person that you are okay with it? Decide beforehand what you will or will not accept from a relationship. Don’t start a marriage on a rocky foundation where trust is an issue. A person who is not dedicated to ensuring your happiness will only bring you sorrow.

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Relationships : Women Taking Control

Dealing With Infidelity 

Are you in a relationship where you feel like you are giving one hundred percent and he is only giving fifty?  That is probably because he is giving another woman that other fifty.  Infidelity is one of the major cause of problems in relationships.  There is a tendency for both of the sexes to cheat and when there is no trust in a relationship it is destined for failure.
As a woman how do you deal with the fact that your partner is cheating on you?  Do you confront him, make him know you won’t stand for it, give him an ultimatum wherein he had to choose you or go out the door?  Or are you so afraid you might lose him that you turn a blind eye, suffer silently and tell yourself that you would rather share him than lose him?  The fact is if you are sharing him with someone else you are half-way on the road to losing him anyway.  What is the point in prolonging your unhappiness?
You might be so afraid of losing him that you try to convince yourself that you can deal with it.   But why lie to yourself?  You lie awake at night wondering where he is, who he is with and what he is doing.  You want to feel his arms about you but the space beside you is empty and you know in your heart that he is with someone else.  You cry yourself to sleep knowing you have to let him go but not having the courage to do it.
Women often feel they need a man even when that man turns out to be a source of unhappiness.  The truth is you don’t need someone in your life who is making you unhappy.  You cannot rely on someone else to make you happy.  You are the author and creator of your happiness.  You cannot leave it in someone else’s hands!
If a man loves, respect and cares about his woman, chances are he will not cheat on her.  If he does not love, care for and respect you then you need to let him go.  There are times in life when you have to compromise but this is not one of those times.  If he is cheating on you and refuses to stop you need to show him the door because you don’t need him anymore than he needs you.  You certainly do not need to put yourself at risk for STD’s especially HIV and AIDS.  If you man is playing around he is not just messing with your heart, he could be messing with your life as well.
In my next post I will tell you about one woman who compromised and paid for it with her life.  Be wise, stay strong , love yourself and accept nothing less than you deserve!  Take control of your relationship today!

Stop Abuse of Women

The world is full of chaos and people with twisted minds.  In some countries the laws that ought to be enforced are ignored and people impose other rules to satisfy themselves.  They have rules which make it acceptable for a man to torture and kill a woman.  On the other hand if a woman refuses to comply to a fixed marriage or wear clothes considered as being inappropriate, it is seen as a sin for which she is punished.
In some cultures women are seen as replaceable commodities.  There is no value placed on the life of the woman.  She is looked upon as being inferior to her male counterpart and is treated accordingly.  Brothers think nothing of killing their sisters to uphold what they call the family honor  The question is, what kind of honor does a murderer bring to any family?  What is honorable about killing your own sister?
Love to these people mean nothing and family honor means everything.  It is a kind of sick twisted mentality.  They do not understand the concept that unity is strength and that a family divided against itself will come to naught.  They are so busy trying to protect their public image that they are blinded to the things that should be more important, that of a brother looking out for his sister and families uniting to protect family members.
The fact that brothers see nothing wrong with killing their sisters highlight the fact that in these societies men in general have very little respect for the lives of women and the laws if there are any is not sufficiently implemented to be a deterrent.
If women in these countries should turn the tables and say enough is enough and start to seek their own justice, I wonder if the laws will then be implemented or will they be able to get away with committing atrocities against men in the same manner that men commit atrocities against women? Interesting thought isn’t it?  What do you thing?

 

Stop Abuse of Women

Honor Killings

An honor killing is the killing of a member of a family or social group by other members who believe that the victim has brought dishonor upon the family or the community.  In countries such as India where there is little respect for the lives of women, a woman can be killed for simple things such as dressing in a manner which is deemed in appropriate, wanting to terminate or prevent an arranged marriage, desiring to marry by her own choice or engaging in sex outside of marriage.
Women’s rights activists say India’s police are not doing enough to tackle the problem of ‘honor killings’.  Many times the police do not take complaints by the victims seriously.  They do not provide protection for the victims and this boosts the morale of the culprits; they take the law into their own hands.
What is ironic is that simple things that women do are considered sins but the murdering of women is not.  Apparently in the eyes of these perpetrators killing is okay if the victim is a woman.
 The public beheading of a woman by his brother in Kolkata last December highlights the lack  of respect for the lives of women in India.  This incident on December 7, 2012, was another honor killing.  Nilofar Bibi 22, at the time of her death was only fourteen years old when she left home in an arranged marriage.  Bibi alleged that she was tortured by her in-laws and returned to her parents on November 28 but disappeared days later.
Her brother Mehtab Alam 29, found his sister living with an old boyfriend.  He stormed into the house and dragged Bibi into the street in broad daylight.  Passersby watched in horror as he cut off his sister’s head while saying  she had sinned  and had to be punished.  He left his sister’s body in a pool of blood on the road and calmly walked to the police station with her head in his hand to surrender himself.  He walked into the police station and placed the head of his sister and the butcher knife he used to decapitate her on a table in front of the police officer.
The sibling’s family expressed support for Alam saying they were proud he upheld their honor.
I am at a loss to understand what honor this young man upheld.  Honor is protecting and defending the women in your family.  Honor is defending and protecting your sister when the man who  should love and protect her is abusing her.  There is nothing honorable about killing a defenseless woman especially a member of your own family – your sister.  It is a shameful and dishonorable act which must be condemned.  There can be no honor in taking a human life.

Say No to Child Brides

Child Brides in Niger

She is just eleven years old, she has yet to get her first period and already she is  a wife.  Adulthood is forced upon her.  She is not prepared for this physically, mentally or emotionally.  Her hopes and dreams of staying in school and getting an education is shattered.  Her dreams does not matter nor does her happiness.  Her parents have received a dowry and now she is married to a man older than her father.  Still a child, afraid and confused knowing nothing about sex or marriage and the duties of a wife, she will be forced to have sexual intercourse with a grown man.  She will suffer the agony of having her childhood stolen from her and suffer even more through pregnancy and childbirth and there is a possibility that she will die giving birth.
Stripped of her freedom she lives at the mercy of her husband and in-laws.  She is often treated like a domestic slave, ill treated by her in-laws and raped by her husband if she resist his advances for sex.  Her tears goes unnoticed, her eyes mirrors her pain.  For her there is little hope, she has nothing to smile about, all she can do is try and endure the life that has been forced upon her.  All of this seems like something from a movie, but it is not, it is real.  It is the daily life of child brides around the world.  In cultures of ignorance and poverty the children suffers.  One such place is Niger
Niger has one of the highest rate of child marriages in the world; 75 percent of girls are married before the age eighteen and many are subjected to a life of domestic and sexual slavery.  In Niger the  problem is not just the fact that there are child brides but that some of these brides are in fact sold into slavery. ‘Wahaya’ is the term used for girls and women who are sold as fifth wives to men.   In Niger men are allowed to have four legal wives and any number of fifth wives.
For these girls and women who are bought as fifth wives, no marriage ceremony takes place and girls do not benefit from any of the legal rights and protection that legal wives have.  They are treated as domestic and sexual slaves but are still referred to as wives.  They are used for free labor  and sex by their masters who are mainly dignitaries or wealthy men.
The legal age for the marriage of a girl in Niger is fifteen years old but as the country struggles with severe drought, failing crops and mass starvation girls as young as seven years old are being sold as child brides.  Parents have told activists that although they are unhappy about selling their daughters to men, the food situation have left them with no alternative.  Families are using child marriage as a survival strategy  to deal with food insecurity.  Marrying off a daughter means one less mouth to feed and the dowry she brings in goes to feed the others.  Fertility rate is high in Niger with the average household  having at least seven children.
The practice of child marriage comes with serious consequences.  It impacts negatively on the health of young girls.  Having children at such a young age, they are at risk for fistulas (vaginal or anal rupture) which can lead to incontinence.  Girls with fistulas are often abandoned by their husbands and scorned by society.  The majority of child brides are denied an education. Only 15 percent of adult women in Niger are literate and less than one-third of girls are enrolled in schools.
For places like Niger change will only come when families understand that educating their daughters instead of marrying them off will be more beneficial in bringing economic growth to this starving nation.  In a 2001 study UNICEF found that women with seven or more years of education marry an average four years later and have 2.2 fewer children than those with no education.
United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) wants the age of marriage to be changed to eighteen years .  It says this would give the girls longer time in school and give their bodies time to develop and allow them to reach adulthood.  This move will also help to curb the birth rate which is the highest in the world.

Stop Abuse of Women

Bangladesh Child Brides

Although child marriages is illegal there is an increase in the practice in some developing countries.  Bangladesh for instance has the fourth highest rates of child marriages in the world.  Young girls are married by the time they hit puberty and usually move in with their husbands right away.

Most child brides become mothers while they are still children themselves.  Because their bodies are not yet fully developed they are at risk for prolonged or obstructed labor which threatens both the life of the child and the mother.  

Like India one of the main reasons behind child marriages in Bangladesh is poverty and girls from poor families are more likely to become child brides.  The illegal dory system is also a contributor.  Younger brides often require smaller dowries so parents marry off their girls at a young to avoid paying a high dowry which most of them cannot afford.  

These girls are denied a proper education.  They suffer from poor health, give birth to children who are weak and malnourished and raise them in poverty.  Later on some of these same mothers will force their daughters into early marriage and the vicious cycle continues.

Some parents marry off their daughters because they feel they will be safe under the protection of their husbands.  However in many instances these girls are abused by their husbands, sexually,physically, and emotionally.  They also suffer at the hands of their in-laws.

 Rani is a child bride.  She was married at the age of fourteen to the man her mother arranged for her to marry.  “I could not go against my mother’s will,” Rani said.  “So I agreed to marry him without thinking of other options.”

 Rani was constantly beaten by her in-laws and husband . “They beat me for trivial matters,” says Rani.  ” If they think the dress I washed is not clean or the food I cooked is not tasty, they beat me.”

 “He beats me not only with his hands but he uses his belt to beat me,” she says of her husband.  ‘He used to say, “No matter how much you cry or ask for help from others, I will not stop beating you.”

Rani has attempted suicide.  She said, “Once I was so tired of his beatings. I felt so desperate.  I couldn’t take it anymore, I wanted to give away my life.  I tried to commit suicide by hanging myself.”  According to Rani her in-laws were actually pleased when they learned she was going to hang herself.  “I went inside my room and was preparing to hang myself. I screamed, ‘I am going to take away my life!’  My mother-in-law and my husband were relaxing outside the room,” Rani said. “They were listening to what I was saying but they did not try to save me, as I was a burden to them.”

The neighbors informed Rani’s mother about what was taking place.“Then my brother kicked open the door,” Rani says. “At that time, I had already hanged myself. My mother lost her senses when she saw me hanging from a rope. My brother took me on his lap and got me down from the rope. Then my brother took me to the hospital.”

It has been reported that 51 young brides in Bangladesh committed suicide due to mistreatment by their parents-in-law in just one month in 2004.

Stop Abuse of Women

Child Brides

Thank God for the fact that we live in a free society.  Thank God for the fact that we have the freedom to make our own decisions when it comes to relationships.  Thank God for the fact that our children are free; free to enjoy their childhood.  They are free to enjoy their teen years and do the things that children are meant to do.  How much people are aware that in many parts of the world little girls are not allowed this freedom.  Many are forced into adulthood the moment they hit puberty.

Child marriage is a big problem in some countries mainly in Asia and Sub Saharan Africa.  It is also prevalent in the Middle East, Eastern Europe and Latin America.  Girls as young as five years old are wed to men, four, five, six or even seven times their age.  These little girls are robbed of their childhood, their rights as human being to have freedom of choice and their very dignity.

Although child marriage is illegal in India, the country accounts for about 40 percent of the world child marriages cases.  Every year millions of Indian girls forced into marriage.  Rajasthan is the center-point of India’s child marriages.  More than half the girls born there become child brides before the age of fifteen .  Poverty is one of the main reason. Many of India’s rural poor live on less than a dollar a day.  Poor families sell their children into marriages either to settle debts to make some money to alleviate their poverty.  Girls are viewed as burdens and marrying off a daughter means one less mouth to feed.  These little girls suffer mentally, physically, emotionally and educationally.

April and May are popular months for marriages in Rajasthan and villages hold thousand of ceremonies.  To evade the law the marriages are often performed in secret , usually late at night and outsiders are not allowed to attend them.  The bride will remain at home until puberty then she will go and live with her husband and while little girls in other societies are enjoying their childhood years she will be busy washing, cooking, cleaning the house and making babies.  Many of these girls will die giving birth.

Girls who marry between the ages of ten and fourteen are five times more likely to die during pregnancy or childbirth as against women in their twenty’s.

Letting Go

She watches him leave and it pains her inside
that he has just told her yet another lie.
She fakes a smile, for deep inside she wants to cry,
She closes the door and wish it was just as easy,
to close her heart to the love for him,
which is tearing her apart.
He doesn’t know that she knows,
the apartment to which he goes.
She doesn’t need to follow him,
She has watched him enter many times before.

Tonight is the night she decides,
he is going to find out that she knows,
She wants to see the look upon his face
when he realizes that his cover is blown.
She takes her time, she is in no hurry,
She needs to calm her nerves and gather her strength
for what she is about to do.
She knocks on the door and when it opened,
stepped past the woman and walked right on inside.

The look on his face was priceless,
his jaws dropped open in shock.
The woman looks confused,
She smiles and gently explain,
‘That naked man in your bed,
is my husband my dear.
I just wanted to meet the woman,
he has thrown away his marriage for,
Now that I have met you,
what more can I say,
good luck my dear, he is all your.
She turns and leave but he is right behind her,
calling out her name.
Half way across the street he realizes
he is missing his pants.
She laughs all the way back to her car,
It really wasn’t that hard after all!

Taking Charge and Making Changes

To you my followers I do apologize for the fact that I have not been posting any thing much lately.  I have been busy working on a book which is now near completion.  I wish to share a chapter with you.  You can give me your feedback.

Single Parenting

     In days gone by the man generally accepted as the head of the family.  He was the one in charge of the household; he was the main provider.  While this is still the case in some homes there is an increase in the number of single parent homes where the fathers are conspicuous in their absence and the job of raising the children rests solely on the mothers.

Too many men are relinquishing their responsibilities as fathers.  Too many are coming up short in the approach they take towards caring for their families.  It is time for men to stand up, be men, and play the role that they are supposed to play.  It is the responsibility of a man to take care of his family and support his children; too many are failing to do so.

Being a man is not about how many children he can father and by how many women.  It should be about taking caring of his children and living a lifestyle that they can emulate.  Men must try to be good role models for their children.  They should be there for them, nurturing them and helping to mold them into the exemplary individuals that they can be.  They should be responsible fathers.

One cannot be unduly harsh since there are situations where many of these fathers were themselves brought up in single parent homes where the fathers were absent.  However, a man should not use this as an excuse.  He should not say, “My mother alone raised me and I turned out all right.”  He should instead seize the opportunity to stop the vicious cycle, to make the change, be the father that his dad never was and do what he knows is in fact the right thing to do.

Men need to understand that although they might achieve great accomplishments, get degrees, win medals, get accolades even; unless they live up to their responsibilities and play the role they are supposed to play in the lives of their families, they have failed.

The job of parenting is not an easy one.  None of us was born with parenting skills; it is something that we learn as we go along and alas it appears to be too tough a job for some men to handle and yet they think they are the stronger sex!

I sometimes wonder if it is a situation that some of these men suffer from amnesia which makes it so easy for them to get a child with a woman and move on to get a child with another and keep moving on without taking responsibility for any of these children.   They seem to have no memory that these children exist.  On deeper reflection these men are not worthy to be called fathers for they are in fact merely sperm donors.  They simply donate the sperms and that is the end of the story.

Women have been forced into the role of single parents in situations where the man was not there from the start or he left at some point in the relationship completely deserting his family.  I know of a case of a woman, who was with a man for over ten years, they had five children together.  The youngest child was about four months old when he left her and married another woman.  I remember her wanting a stove and having to wait for hours with that baby until he got back from church with his new wife to sign as a guarantor for her.  This case is not unique. There is another case where a man left his woman with seven children and married another woman.

Women need to stop been selfish and try to be kinder to each other in order to stop the hurt.  He is leaving her with five or seven children and you take him and you marry him.  What kind of sister does that to another sister?  As sisters, we need to start looking out for each other.   Some women will say, “Oh is him come look me.”  Yes maybe so but that does not mean you could not have said no when you learned about the other woman and her children.  I have been in those kind situations.  I remember this particular guy who kept asking me out, I knew his girlfriend had only recently had a baby so each time he asked me to go out with him I would ask him, “How is your girlfriend and how is they baby?”  One day he said to me, “Why every time I ask you out you ask me about my girlfriend and the baby?”  I said to him, “You seem to keep forgetting about them, so I have to keep reminding you.”  He never asked me out after that.

Women, stop acting so desperate for a man that if one tells you he likes you, even though you know he has a woman and children you are just going to dismiss them and hop into bed with him.  Do not try to ease your conscience by telling yourself that if the woman were doing everything right her man would stay home.   Men do not need a reason to cheat and because he may leave her to be with you does not mean he is going to stay with you even if you manage to convince him to marry you.  Women do not know what it is like to feel abandoned or cheated on until they have experienced it themselves.  I know of an individual who for years was in a relationship with another woman’s husband, eventually she broke up with him found someone else and got married.  When she found out that her husband was cheating on her she said she felt like she was going to go mad, she said it was then that she realized how the other woman must have felt when she was having a relationship with her husband.  Karma can be a bitch.  If you are going to leave someone else hurting do not count too much on having a happily ever after with him.

Getting back to the job of single parenting, as the saying goes a job worth doing is worth doing well.  Despite all the odds women need to do their best in raising their children.  You know how the cards are stacked; you know what you are working with.  You know the one person your children are depending on is you so you cannot afford to fail them.

As a good parent, you have to ensure that their day-to-day needs are taken care of.  You also have to ensure that they get a good education.  Many women are in low paying jobs and this sometimes makes it difficult for them to keep up with day-to-day expenses.  While some of these women decide to go it alone, others simply cannot cope.  Once the fathers can be located, women should utilize the facilities set up to collect money from delinquent fathers.  By right, it should never have to come to this, but the way some men behave, the women simply do not have a choice.

The financial aspect however is only a part of parenting because parenting is more than just putting food on the table and clothes on their back.  It is imperative that children get the opportunity of a good education, as this is one of the most fundamental aspects of their development.  There is also the question of discipline.  There is a consensus that there is a breakdown of discipline in society.  In order to curb this trend and bring things back on par, one has to begin by maintaining discipline in the home.

Boundaries have to be set and rules and regulations lay down by which children should abide.  This should begin from an early age.  Parents should ensure that children adhere to the rules irrespective of gender.  Too often, we monitor the girls while allowing the boys to roam free.  It is understandable that parents are concerned about their daughters, the fear of them getting pregnant and dropping out of school.  However, for a son there is an equal danger of him falling into the wrong crowd, doing drugs or getting involved in petty crimes.  He might be even brainwashed into believing that there is an easier way to make it in life and that is by selling drugs or getting involved in other illegal activities instead of working hard and staying in school.

The bling, bling, the flashy cars and expensive jewels may be hard for him to resist and once he gets a taste for that kind of life, it will be hard to convince him that there is a better way.  Therefore, mothers keep a reign on your boys.  Do not say he did not turn out right because his daddy was not around.  Get involved in their lives.  Get to know their friends.  Know the people with whom they are socializing.  Make sure they adhere to curfews and they are not hanging out all night on the street corners.  The dangers out there may be worse than that of getting pregnant.

Talk to your children, have an open line of communication.  Try to build trust between yourself and them.  Make them feel like it is okay to tell you anything.  They should be able to come to you with any problem that they might have, make them feel safe.  Encourage them to do their best in school.  Take an interest in their school life.  Make sure that they do their homework.  Talk to your children about the importance of having a career or learning a skill.  Although you should guide them in choosing the right career, the ultimate decision should be theirs.  There is no point in forcing a child to pursue a career that he or she is not happy doing.

There are instances where parents not having accomplished their own career dreams try to get their children to live out their dreams for them.  This of course is not a reasonable wish, it is their lives and they ought to be able to choose what it is that they want to do.

We should teach children to stand up for what they believe in and not to give in to peer-pressure.  They must learn to be responsible, to stay away from drugs and not to engage in promiscuous behavior.

The task of holding down a job and been a full time mom is not an easy one.  Can you imagine what it is like for those who are holding down two and three jobs in order to take care of their families?  This sometimes creates a situation where they do not have enough time to spend with their children.  Despite the stress of work and running a household parents have to find a way to spend quality time with their children.  You have to find time to sit and talk with your children allowing them the opportunity to talk about anything they might want to talk about with you.  When they have problems, you have to ensure that you find time to help them get through it.

In order that you do not become too overworked and burnt out, it might be a good thing to delegate the jobs around the house.  You could give each child a chore that he or she is able to perform competently.  With each child, helping in whatever way possible chores will complete much quicker.  This will not only teach children responsibility, but it also creates more time for the family to spend together.

You have to make time for the family to have fun together.  As the saying goes, “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.  Children like having fun; they need amusement in their lives.  You could have movie night where the family goes out together.  You can go on picnics or go to the beach and visit local places of interest.  All this will have to be within the family budget.  If the family can afford to go out only once a month, so be it because there are other things the family can do together at home as a form of recreation.  You can have games night where you play games and have popcorn and ice cream for example.  This gives the children something to look forward to and make them realize that they can stay at home and still have fun.

No one has the ability to perform miracles, but it is imperative that mothers try to guide and steer their children in the right direction.  Once children begin at an early age to live a positive life-style the job of parenting as they become older will not be so daunting.  As the old saying goes, “You have to bend the tree while it is still young.”

As a single mother, you need to b careful not to indulge in self-pity. Do not go around looking as if you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulder.  There are thousand if not millions of women in a similar situation as you are.  In fact, you might find that some are in a far worse situation than you are.

There are times when out of frustration you will say things that can be interpreted in a wrong way.  You therefore need to be careful about what you say to your children.  Never say to the child, “If it was not for you I could have done this or that.”  I will leave the impression that the child is being blamed for something, which he or she had no control over in the first place.  Children need to feel that you love them and that they are wanted.  Do not say things that will have a negative impact.  Whatever your circumstances, never give your children the impression that you could have done better if it was not for them.

Do not throw your problems on your children because in time to come they will have their fair share of problems to deal with.  Let their childhood days be happy ones.  While they are still young, let them enjoy every moment of their childhood.

Letting Go

 
She watches him leave and it pains her inside
that he has just told her yet another lie.
She fakes a smile, for deep inside she wants to cry,
She closes the door and wish it was just as easy,
to close her heart to the love for him,
which is tearing her apart.
He doesn’t know that she knows,
the apartment to which he goes.
She doesn’t need to follow him,
She has watched him enter many times before.

Tonight is the night she decides,
he is going to find out that she knows,
She wants to see the look upon his face
when he realizes that his cover is blown.
She takes her time, she is in no hurry,
She needs to calm her nerves and gather her strength
for what she is about to do.
She knocks on the door and when it opened,
stepped past the woman and walked right on inside.

The look on his face was priceless,
his jaws dropped open in shock.
The woman looks confused,
She smiles and gently explain,
‘That naked man in your bed,
is my husband my dear. I just wanted to meet the woman,
he has thrown away his marriage for,
Now that I have met you,
what more can I say, good luck my dear he is all yours!
She turns and leave but he is right behind her,
calling out her name.
Half way across the street he realizes
he is missing his pants.
She laughs all the way back to her car,
It really wasn’t that hard after all!