Tag: Online Writing

JOKES

MONEY JOKES

 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the
difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?”

The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between
‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The boy replied, “Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers
and a future congressman.”

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any “we” in the first place.”

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they’d do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. ‘Alec !’ yelled the teacher, ‘you’ve done nothing. Why?’ ‘Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do !’

When George found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles club where he checked out the most beautiful woman he had ever seen..

Her natural beauty was astounding it took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 15 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

 

 

FUNNY JOKES

After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

 

 

 

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. “The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

Believe in Yourself

My post for today is a re-post of the poem believe in yourself.

 

 

 

Believe in yourself,
And what you can be,
And not what others,
Think that you are,
Believe in your dreams,
And what you can achieve,
If you work towards your goal,
Believe in tomorrow,
And the hope that it brings,
With the dawn of each new day,
Believe in love,
And the one that you love,
The person you know him to be,
But the most important of all of these,
Is that you believe in you.

I thought I would re-post this poem after reading an article a few days ago where a twenty-three year old nurse from Guyana committed suicide by drinking poison after having some love issues with her partner.  I couldn’t help think, what a waste of a young life!   The message to all of this is, put no one above you.  Love yourself!  Reach for the stars and maybe you can’t touch them but at least take the time to see all the things that are positive around you.  Life is precious don’t let it go to waste!

The Man

Three times a car goes round the block,
He takes her car and say it’s his,
She walks to work and he drives around.
He takes her money and give other ladies,
She pays the bills.
She cooks and clean,
All he does is watch TV all day,
She does everything,
He kills the dog.

By Terriann Bonnick {age 12}

Scars

I see the scars etched upon your face,
I tried to catch your eyes,
but you quickly looked away.
“It was an accident,” you say,
but we both know the truth.
“I  love him,” you say,
The question is, does he love you too?
Don’t you know girl,
that love is not supposed to hurt?
It’s not supposed to leave you
with scars etched upon your face.
I think if I look deep enough I’ll see,
the scars etched upon your heart.

Marva Seaton

The Fear

I see in your eyes,
Reflections of me,
The tenderness of your smile,
Showing the love you try,
So hard to disguise,
Breaking through the wall,
You build around you,
In your desperate bid to be free.

I see you trying to reach out,
to the future,
Yet so afraid to let go of the past,
Afraid that history will repeat itself,
So you remain in your safe world.

It’s not that you are a coward,
It’s just that you are afraid,
Too afraid to trust,
Too afraid to believe in me,
Too afraid to stay,
Lest you fall in love.

So you play a game,
Of forever running away,
My heart bleeds for you,
And I understand your pain,
For worst than the fear,
Of having one’s heart broken,
Is the fear of falling in love.

Marva Seaton

 

Questions of the Heart

What is life, and what of love,
Moments when speech is not necessary,
There is no need for spoken words,
And the language of the flesh,
Is the language expressed.
Lips meet, hands reach out,
Frantic and searching,
Hungering for love’s fulfillment,
And one look says more,
Than a hundred spoken words can.

Lying in your arms,
Can you look in my eyes,
And see past me,
To the yearning in my soul?
Can you see what no other eyes can,
This hunger in my soul?
And when your arms are locked about me,
And I give in willingly to your desires,
Do you seek to please me, or just yourself?

Would you think it silly,
If I should cry in your arms?
If you wish to speak,
And I say I prefer the silence?
Would you think it silly,
If all I want tot do,
Is to lie in your arms,
Savoring your warmth,
Holding on to you as if there,
Is no tomorrow?

Will you ever really understand me?
This child-like part of me,
That clings to you,
As if afraid to let go?

Marva Seaton

Desiderata {Max Ehrmann}

 

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

 

PARENTING

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

 

 

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

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Through This Journey of Today {G. B. McClain}

When the sunlight in the morning
Parts the shadows of the night,
And the world once more awakens
To a day so fresh and bright…
With the dew-kissed flowers so fragrant,
As the birds begin to sing
Long before the sound of traffic,
To this day its noise will bring…
This is when we need to seek Him
As we store this peace away,
And we ask our lord to guide us
Through this journey of today.

For the clouds may hide the sunshine
Long before this day is through;
But when storms of life are raging,
He can give us peace anew;
And each day with all its problems,
With its joy and sometimes strife,
Can be like a gift so precious
On this journey known as life.
All this beauty He has given
And this peace we store away
Are the gifts the Father gives us,
As we journey through today.

Where Are You? {Helen Gleason}

Where are You, Lord, I cried with tears?
You said You were by my side.
But, Lord I didn’t see You.
Though ever so hard I really tried.
And then I heard Your answer
In that still small voice that speaks within:
“My child just look around you –
There is no place that I’m not in.
I’m in that sweet and loving child
Who greets you with a cheering smile;
I’m in the friend who calls on you
To visit and chat awhile.
I’m in that lovely birdsong sweet
That falls upon your listening ear,
And in that friend who prays with you
Who even sheds with you a tear.

I’m in the fragrance of a flower,
In the kiss of day’s first gentle dew;
In the breeze that falls upon your cheek,
In every morning fresh and new.
I’m in the love of a dear pet’s eyes
As it trustingly snuggles close to you.
My love is all around you, child,
And my promises for you still true.
I am in the Word, in the Book I left
To guide, comfort, each day anew.
You see me in so many ways
In the lovely world I made for you.”

Cast Your Cares Upon the Lord {Shirley H. Powell}

I won’t worry about tomorrow, Lord,
I’ll leave that up to you.
I place my faith and trust in You
In whatever you decide to do.

My frets and fears of yesteryear
And sins of distant past
Are needless things to worry about,
For upon you they were cast.

Today, I promise to do my best
To please You ion every way
I’ll hold steadfast and keep the faith
And never give in to dismay.

To shine your light within my heart
Is my heartfelt, earnest prayer.
I’ll cast my cares upon the Lord,
For I know that You are always there.