Tag: Abuse

Stop Abuse of Women

Controlling Men… Avoid Them

Falling in love can be a wonderful thing especially when the man appears to be everything that you desire.  You may be so blindly in love with him that it takes a while for you to realize that he is trying to control your life.  

He may be very subtle about it at first; for example it is okay for him to hang out with the guys but if you decide to hang out with your girlfriends he comes up with excuses why you should not go the chief among them being that he wants to spend quality time with you.  You want to hang out with the girls but of course you are thrilled that he wants you home with him. That however is just the beginning, You have a family event to attend but on the day of the event he complains that he is feeling ill.  He tells you it is okay for you to go but you feel guilt about leaving him alone so you stay not realizing that he is slowly manipulating and programming you to do exactly what he wants you to do.

Not all of them however go about controlling you by playing mind games.  Some are rather aggressive and dictates to you exactly what he wants you to do.  He may not want you to go out without him.  He tells you what kind of clothes to wear and may make you throw out what he don’t want you to wear.  He determines the friends you keep and makes you to disassociate yourself from those he doesn’t like.

If you try to question his actions he may try to control you with threats and instill fear in you so you have no choice but to obey him because you are afraid of the consequences if you don’t.  This is the worst kind of control because when you give in to fear it gives him the ultimate power over you and keeps you trapped in the relationship.  He feeds on your fear.  It boosts his ego because he knows he has you exactly where he wants you.

If your partner is physically abusive as well as controlling you could be faced with a big problem if you decide to leave.  He needs to be in control and when you leave it means he is no longer in control.  Even the non aggressive controlling partner may become physical if you try to leave.  He needs to have this control and will try to keep it by whatever means necessary.  He does not believe in the saying,  “If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you then it was meant to be.”  

A controlling partner may feel that if he can’t have you then no one else can.  If he tells you this do not for one moment believe that he is just joking.  Many women have lost their lives after ending controlling relationships.  In killing the woman the man maintains his control and he is often prepared to take his own life so no own gets to be in control of his fate.

To avoid these catastrophic endings or to avoid being trapped in an unhealthy relationship it is best to look out for the signs.  Do not allow yourself to be so blinded by love that you fail to recognize them.  It is always best to walk away before he gets too much control.

 

Say NO to Physical Abuse

He hits you and then says he is sorry.  Another sign  that he is an Abuser!

The first time he hits you or hurt you in any way physically give yourself a reality check.  You need to ask yourself if he loses his temper or get angry for whatever reason does this mean he is going to lash out at you?

After he hits you he may be full of remorse.  He will apologize, tell you how sorry he is and that it will never happen again.  When he hits you the second time, you would have known by this time that he lied and  that it is likely to happen again.

Do not allow yourself to be fooled by his profuse apologies.  Some abusers can be very emotional.  Do not be surprised if he cries and begs you to forgive him.  He will beg for your forgiveness and try to convince you that it will never happen again.  However the abuse will continue unless you remove yourself from the situation.

I recall a friend of mine leaving her abusive boyfriend after he had beaten her badly.  He was very upset about the fact that she had left and went on a mission trying to find her.  I went with him because I wanted to be there for her in case he found her and decided to get nasty.  After visiting two of her relatives home and not finding her he became very emotional and broke down crying.  He said he didn’t know what he would do if she left him for good.  He said he really loved her and he was willing to do anything she asked him to, even go to therapy.  I asked him “If you love her so much why do you keep beating her?  His response was “I don’t know but I promise if she comes back I will never hit her again.”

I remember watching the tears rolling down his cheek and thinking that if I didn’t know better I would almost feel sorry for him.  I was not fooled by his tears.  As it turned out she was staying at a third relative we went that day but he never saw her.  I had a feeling she was there so the minute he parked I ran ahead of him to the house.  When I saw her I could only manage four words, “He is coming hide!”   She did not hesitate but did as I told her.  My mission accomplished I then managed to convince him that she was not there

However a few weeks later he found he and somehow managed to convince her to give him another chance.  Of course the moment she went back to him all his promises of going to therapy and not hitting her again soon went out the window.  He kept abusing her until she decided she had had enough and finally left him for good.  Incidentally she was not the first person to suffer abuse at his hands.

 Do not be fooled my empty promises.  Do what is best for you and so NO to physical abuse.  Please bear in mind that the longer you remain in an abusive relationship the more difficult it is going to be for you to leave.  You have to get out the moment the abuse start! 

Stop Abuse of Women

One Sign That he may be an Abuser  “ISOLATION”

A majority of women get into relationships having no idea that their intended partners are abusers.  This happens because you cannot tell that a man is an abuser simply by looking at him.  He often appears to be your regular nice guy.  He puts on the charm.  He wines and dine you and make you feel important.  He says the right words that you want to hear.

However charming he may appear at first be careful and take nothing for granted.  Keep your eyes open for any warning signs that he may not be all that he wants you to believe that he is because he could be an abuser.

One of the first signs to watch for is ‘Isolation’.  One of the first things he may try to do is isolate you from your friends and relatives.  If he wants you to cut ties with your friends don’t for one moment believe that he is thinking of your best interest.  If he tries to keep you away from your family or try to make you choose between your family and him be warned; he is up to no good.  He could be setting the stage for abuse!

When he gets you in a position where you are isolated from your family and friends it gives him power over you because when the abuse starts you will find yourself alone with no one to come to your aid and that is exactly what he wants.  Do not ignore that first clue!

Say NO to Physical Abuse

Warning Signs That Your Man Could be an Abuser

Violent Temper and Sudden Mood Changes

If your man display violent behavior and has problems controlling his temper when dealing with others, pay attention.  If he was abusive in a previous relationship, this is a warning sign that you should not ignore.  You must also note that when he hits you he may try to make light of the situation.  A friend of mine once  came to me complaining that his girlfriend had left him.  I of course asked him why.  He said they had gotten into and argument and he accidentally hit her.

As the saying goes there are two sides to every story.  His girlfriend who was also a friend of mine told me what really happened.  She had gone to a work related function and was late in returning home.  He had come in search of her and met her on her way back home.  Without any provocation, perhaps just being angry by the fact that she was late, he punched her.  The blow left her unconscious and regained consciousness in the hospital.  She left him.  He could have killed her.  She said she wasn’t going back because the next time she might not that lucky. She never took him back, and who could blame her?  Yet this is the mistake many women make, going back to their partners after being physically abused by them.

If he is loving and charming when people are around then becomes hostile and abusive when you are alone, do not ignore the changes in his behavior.  Abusive men pick the time and place to  carry out their abuse.  They are often very charming when others are around to observe them, but become a different person behind closed doors.  Some abusers seem to have split personality.  In public they have this desire to be seen as Mr. Nice guy and it is this nice guy attitude which might charm a woman into falling for him.  However when you are alone with him behind closed doors and you see his true character emerging, do not hesitate or second guess your self; end the relationship.  The longer you remain the more difficult it will be for you to extricate yourself.

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Say NO to Physical Abuse

Recognizing Warning Signs That Your Man Could be an Abuser

Women are often trapped in abusive relationships because they did not recognize or chose to ignore the warning signs.  Since it is often difficult to get out of these relationships it is very important for you to be aware of the negative behavior of your partner and end the relationship before he gets too much control over your life.

One of the first thing an abuser will try to is to control you.  He will try to make you abandon your family and friends for him.  He needs to get the feeling that he is number one in your life; that he means more to you than anyone else.  I recall a conversation I had with a friend of mine  (who we shall call Sharon) very abusive boyfriend.  Her family was upset about the way he was physically abusing her and was adamant that she should leave him.  I remember him saying to me ”Sharon isn’t going to leave me, she loves me.  She don’t care about her family.  She will do anything I tell her to do so they are just wasting their time.”  I recall him being very smug about it, so very sure of himself.

This is one of the first signs that you should learn to recognize.  If your partner is trying to separate you from your family and friends, pay close attention and ask yourself, why is he doing this?  It could be a situation of divide and conquer.  He could be setting the stage for abuse and by controlling you and alienating you from those who care about you, when the abuse begins you will have no one to turn to for help.  The first step therefore to not set yourself up for an abusive relationship is to make sure the relationship you have with your family and friends remain intact.

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