JOKES

Sit back relax and have a good laugh at these jokes!!!!!

Lawyer Jokes

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!”

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant’s lawyer.”

 

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! “Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

 

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an
attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer’s heart. “It was easy,” explained the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.

BAR JOKES

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.

“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.

“And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Logic of the Irish

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, “You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each of me brothers and one for me self.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

“Oh, no. Everyone’s fine,” He explains, “I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking.”

PARENTING

Teenage Pregnancy and Coping With it

A mother’s hopes and dreams for her teenage daughter may be dashed to pieces when she becomes pregnant before completing high school. Many mothers work hard and make many sacrifices to give their children a good life. You do your best to make sure she stays in school and you cannot wait for the day when she graduates from college. The last thing you expect is for her to drop out of school to have a baby. Pregnancy was not part of the plans you had for her, this was not supposed to happen. You might experience a number of emotions ranging from anger, disappointment, a sense of frustration and the feeling that you have somehow failed.
No doubt, you are going to ask, “How could you let this happen?” The truth is more than likely she did not deliberately set out to get pregnant. She was perhaps just experimenting with sex not giving a thought to pregnancy. It could even be just a one-time experience and she got pregnant.
The initial reaction is to be angry you may think your daughter is careless and has no ambition. She may have been careless but because she has made a blunder does not mean she has no ambition. You are going to voice your disappointment, that is understandable but it is not going to help the situation. Go ahead and voice your displeasure, tell her how you feel, but when you are done the next step is deal with the situation. Just like any other problem you encounter in life, you have to find a way to deal with it. This is the point in her life when your daughter needs you more than ever; do not turn your back on her.
Some parents get so angry about their teen getting pregnant that they will ask her to immediately leave the home and go to whoever got her pregnant. It is okay to feel angry and frustrated but putting your daughter out of the house is not the answer. In fact, this might only serve to lessen any chance of the teenager been able to pick up the pieces and go back to school and later, college. It could also create an environment where she might go on to have more children.
Take the story of Melissa, she was fourteen years old when she became pregnant, her parents were so angry that they asked her to leave the house. Having nowhere to go, she went to live with her child’s father but soon after the baby was born his abusive behavior forced her to leave him. She was grateful to the other guy who took her in. One year later, she was once again pregnant and as if her troubles were not already enough before the baby was even born, he left her.
Caught up in a situation with no job, no one to help her and two children to care for she found herself falling into the arms of yet another guy who professed to love her and promised that he would take care of her and the children. However, it was only a matter of time before he went back on his words. Once more with one more child, she was again on her own.
At the age of twenty instead of accomplishing some form of career, she was living in a run-down tenement, occupying one room with three hungry children to care for, often relying on the kindness of the other tenants to survive. At times, she would curse her fate and vow never to let another man near her. In harsh economic times promises like that may be hard to keep, because it is hard for a mother to sit by and watch her children go hungry; when another man comes along promising to help the chances are that she might fall for it. Times are tough and one cannot be too judgmental.
This situation might have turned out differently had the parents taken a different approach. Instead of turning her out of the home, they could have been supportive. Everyone makes mistake any everyone deserves a second chance. They could have let her remain in the home and have the baby. The child could have gone to daycare if there was no one at home to take care of him or her. This would have allowed the mother to go back to school. If they family could not afford daycare, finding a foster home would have been another option. Some people might say why not give the child up for adoption and that too could be an option. However, foster care may be more suitable than adoption. Foster care allows the teenager to be in touch with her child; in adoption, she might never get to see her child again.
Adoption means the mother is permanently giving up rights to her child. The teenage mother is at a point in her development where she is not emotionally or mentally mature enough to make this kind of decision. She may feel that she is been forced to give her child away. This might bring about resentment towards her parents although she knows they are only trying to help. Stronger than the resentment could be the feeling of guilt. She may experience feelings of guilt about giving the child up for adoption because of her inability to care for him or her.
Most women have very strong maternal feelings towards their babies once they are born. Believing that your daughter is too young to be a mother does not mean she cannot have very strong maternal instincts towards her child. A mother’s instinct is usually to care for her young one so when the child is in an environment such as a foster home where she is able to take an active part in the child’s life it will be easier to deal with rather than to deal with the feeling that she has somehow abandoned her child. If she is satisfied with the care her child is been given there might come a time when she might feel comfortable enough to allow the foster parents to adopt.
Parents deal with pregnancy in different ways. Some the moment they find out will opt for abortion. Not everyone agrees on abortion. In some countries, abortions are illegal except in situations where the mother’s life may be threatened. The rights and wrongs of abortion is still been debated.
Abortion may seem like an easy solution to your daughter’s predicament but unless the pregnancy is going to endanger the life of the teenager, I do not think that should be an option. It may seem like a quick fix, but it can also have repercussions. There are cases where even mature women after having abortions spend years dealing with the guilt of having done so. This kind of guilt might be hard for the teen to deal with and she might go about dealing with it in the wrong way.
You may have difficulty understanding why soon after the termination of a pregnancy your daughter gets pregnant again. You may think your daughter is just been rebellious; this might not necessarily be the case. It could be more of a coping mechanism, her way of trying to deal with the guilt of having aborted a child in the first place. By having another child to replace the one she has lost might somehow ease the guilt. Although there might be a quick fix to the initial problem, that of the pregnancy there is no quick fix for the emotional trauma an abortion might leave.
In any case, a quick fix to the problem is not necessarily the best answer because your daughter might continue to live a careless life-style knowing that if she gets in trouble you are going to take care of it. Letting her have the baby might teach her responsibility. It will make her understand that taking care of a baby is not an easy job; it is a lot of hard work and sleepless nights. This may serve as a deterrent for another pregnancy.
The best way to deal with these problems is to try to prevent them from happening in the first place. Okay so you are going to ask, “How can I prevent my daughter from getting pregnant?”
The truth is that you cannot, but by having continuous dialogue with your daughter, you may be able to get her to focus on the things that are important, such as getting an education and a career. As your daughter enters her teenage years, you have to prepare yourself for the moment when she will want to start dating. Strictly forbidding her to have a boyfriend will in no way guarantee her not getting pregnant because might get involved with someone keep the relationship a secret and still end up getting pregnant.
If your sixteen year old [I say sixteen but I know many teens start dating before that age] says “Mom I want to start dating.” Do not be close-minded and brush it aside. She came to you; that is a good start. Try to create an atmosphere of trust between you and your daughter. When your daughter starts dating try to get to know the person she is dating.
It is important to talk to your daughter about not getting involved in a sexual relationship at an early age point out to her some of the disadvantages. Encourage her to make her education her first priority. Let her know that sex can wait and that not having sex is not an opportunity lost but getting pregnant could very well bring about a set back for her.
You need to make it clear to her that by allowing her to date does not mean you are giving her permission to have sex. Let her know that you trust her to stay focus in school and not let her relationship take presidency over her education. Tell her not to allow anyone to pressure her into having sex. If the person really cares about her, love and respect her, he will be willing to wait. She should never compromise and give in just to please him. Instead, she should stay focused on what it is that she wants to achieve in her life. After all her life should not be about her pleasing her boyfriend, it should be about her fulfilling her dreams.
Peer-pressure sometimes contribute to teenagers having sex at an early age so you need to make your daughter understand that because her friends are having sex does not mean that she have to have sex too. Tell her she will have sexual feelings at times but that does not mean she has to give in to them. Nevertheless, what if she you find out that in spite of everything you have told her she is having sex, what can you do? You can ground her, tell her she can no longer see her boyfriend or go out with him, but do you honestly think that  is going to work. More than likely, they are going to find a way to see each other and you have no guarantee that she will not continue to engage in sex. If it happens once, there is a greater chance of it happening again.
What do you do in a situation like this? Of course, you are going to tell her she should not be having sex, but she already knows that. You can talk to her and punish her but frankly there is very little else that you can do so you might want to try talking to her about protection.  Gone are the days when you could give her a pack of birth control pills and tell her to take them. We have not only pregnancy to worry about but also sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS. The safest method of prevention in both situations is the use of the condom.
You might experience a sense of consternation and a feeling of being overwhelmed having to say to your daughter, “If you insist on having sex make sure that a condom is used. It may appear as if you are condoning what she is doing when actually this is the last thing you want happening. Situations such as these help make you realize how difficult the job of parenting can be. There are instances where you are going to have to compromise although you might not want to. To be pig-headed and lay down laws will not necessarily bring about the result you desire. It is the nature of teenagers to be rebellious and if they insist on doing something, in spite of what you say or do they will find a way to do it.
Instead of taking an antagonistic approach, it is better to try to have a good relationship with your daughter. You are not going to feel comfortable with what she is doing but you have to decide which is the lesser of two evils. Should you encourage condom use when you are positive she is having sex or just continue to oppose the idea, hoping that she will adhere to your wishes and at the same time leaving her in a situation where she is exposed not only to the risk of getting pregnant but to also contracting transmittable diseases? There is an old saying that goes “You can lead a horse to the water but you can’t force it to drink.” Trying to prevent the problem might be the better alternative in this situation.
You can take comfort in the thought that having protective sex there is a greater chance of your daughter graduating and go on to college without having her education interrupted by worries of pregnancy.  Remember that no matter how trying the circumstances may seem it is not going to be forever.
Do not worry about what other people might think or say it is none of their business. Your goal is to ensure that she receives a good education and a career. This will place her in a position where she will be able to get a good job and thus have economic independence and security.
The day will come when you will be able to breathe a sigh of relief and experience a sense of satisfaction on having done a good job.

‘Twas His Great Love {Hazel Yoho}

I walked along the ocean shore –
The waves were lapping high.
I felt the sand about my feet
And seagulls soared the sky.
I gazed across the mighty waters
As far as eye could see,
Then I was made to wonder
Why God gave this to me.
Then I traveled to the mountains
Where eagles made their nests.
There, again, I saw the hand of God –
I saw creation at its best.

So I looked into the heavens now
Where sun and moon doth shine.
I felt a sense of awesomeness
Knowing all this was mine.
For I could not escape His magnitude
No matter where I’d go.
I felt His constant presence
And He wanted me to know
That all of this was given me
Because of His great love,
And these and other blessings
Are sent from the lord above.

That is what I Know {Steven M. Schumacher}

Few things in life are certain,
But I know beyond a doubt,
Faith in God is the one thing
That I cannot live without.
I don’t know what each day holds,
Yet, the Lord is at my side,
And through prayer, I’m confident
What I need He shall provide.
Oh, others might let me down,
But God is steadfast and true;
He will take good care of me…
And do just the same for you!

Two Paths {Grace E. Easley}

Two paths lay before me,
Once long ago,
When Summers were long,
And I didn’t yet know
The meaning of heartache,
Or recognize pain,
And I took it for granted,
That youth would remain.

Two paths lay before me,
And each of them led
To what I could only
Imagine ahead.

Though I wanted to wander
Down both, for a bit,
Life just shook her head
And would have none of it.
For one path alone
Is given each man
And we must journey down it
The best that we can.
And whether we win,
Or whether we lose,
Largely depends on…
The path that we choose.

Life

 

Life is a paradox
A mystery still unexplained,
With the passage of time,
A kaleidoscope of events,
That takes you up one day,
Then dash you down the next,
A journey embarked on expecting
the unexpected,
Never knowing exactly,
How one’s day will end.

With the passage of time,
We learn to be strong,
Smile when you feel like crying,
Make shop talk when all you really
seek is peace and quiet,
For there is so much,
To be welcomed in silence.

We change, people change,
And the world sometimes seems,
Like a strange place,
A place where there is no thought,
Of caring, or sharing, or loving.
Each man is caught up in a cycle,
Of events called survival,
And each man seeks after his own,
Some consumed with a burning,
desire for wealth,
To rise to the top of the ladder,
Pursuing a plan of scheming, conniving,
And knocking down anyone,
Who gets in the way,
With the ultimate goal being
One’s self gratification.

There is no thought or care for,
The people we trod on or hurt,
In our tireless pursuit,
And when we have achieved our goal,
When we are finally at the top of the ladder,
Looking down our noses,
At those we have passed on our way up,
What of happiness?
Is there happiness to be experienced,
When we find ourselves alone,
On our mountain of wealth?
Shouldn’t happiness be the ultimate goal?

Hope {Beverly J Anderson}

Hope is the anchor we cling to
When we’re tempest-tossed on life’s sea.
Hope gives us courage to hang on
No matter how bad things be.

Hope is a candle that’s shining
When we’ve lost our course in the night.
Steadfast its light as it guides us
Back to the path we know is right.

Hope brings new strength for life’s journey,
Endurance for running the race.
When we are tired hope helps us
To keep a brave smile on our face.

Hope sees a brighter tomorrow,
And helps set our gaze towards the sky,
Knowing behind every dark cloud
A rainbow appears by and by.

Hope tells us to keep dreaming,
Although our dream, seems far away.
Hope plants a song in our being –
A joyous song to greet each day.

Hope is a priceless possession,
A gift that forever lives on.
Deep in our heart shines its promise…
“Child, after the night comes the dawn!”

Nothing Changes

I close my eyes and reality sinks in,
The past, the present intertwined,
A vivid contrast of what was and what is,
And yet if one digs deeply, it is clear
that nothing really changes,
People born and people die,
People get married and people get divorced,
There are the devoted parents and there
are those who don’t really care,
All living together in a world where sometimes
strange things do happen,
There is a road we all need to take,
One which path will lead us to true happiness,
Question is how many walk that path?
How many are able to find that road?
Many spend their lives searching for it,
Some not even understanding the true
meaning of happiness,
Maybe it is time to change that perspective
and begin to enjoy each day to the fullest!

Related articles

Sometime in Silence {Katherine Smith Matheney}

It is sometime in silence
I know how I feel,
And ask God for mercy
When nothing seems real.

And I ask Him, “Oh Father,
Please show me the way,”
Seems I hear a voice whisper
If humble you pray.

When the way groweth dreary
And there’s darkness around,
And I search for that something
That I hadn’t yet found…

Seemed I heard a voice whisper
“I will show you the way.”
Only trust in God’s promise
He will hear when you pray

A Day to Praise {Helen Gleason}

It’s a lovely day to praise the Lord,
A day that’s fresh and new
That’s filled with Nature‘s beauty,
Created just for you.

It’s a lovely day to look, to see
The flowers, the trees, the birds.
The music of their voices rings,
None sweeter can be heard.

It’s a lovely day to thank the Lord
As all around we see
The vastness of blue skies above
And feel the Summer breeze.

It’s a lovely day to thank and praise
For a world that’s all in tune,
The wonders of the ocean’s tides,
The stars, the sun the moon.

It’s a lovely day to think of how
He cares for us each day.
As we journey in this life,
He’s there to lead the way.

It’s a lovely day because He gives
A hope that we can share
On earth a glimpse of Heaven
Where mansions are prepared.

A day to see, to thank, to praise
For such a God of love,
For blessings here on earth He gives
And eternal life above.