Category: Books

PARENTING

The world is no longer as safe as it once was.  In almost every society across the globe crime is on the increase. Young people are becoming more and more caught up in this growing trend and are becoming more reckless in the way they conduct their lives and deal with problems. More and more are experimenting with drugs and alcohol and many  getting involved in gun crimes.

With all of this going on it is not surprising that some parents will do everything in their power to try to protect their children and keep them from being exposed to all the negative things in society. Some parents however take things to the extent where they become over-protective. They can become over-protective to the point where their teenagers have very little or no social life because they are not allowed to hang out with friends for fear that they might get caught up in the wrong crowd.

Parents need to realize that being over-protective is not necessarily a good thing. We do not exist in a vacuum; we live in a world where there is good and bad. If children are only exposed to the good, how will they be able to deal with the bad when they come in contact with it. It is inevitable that they will come in contact with people who are bad influences. If this happens will they be strong enough to make the right decision never having to deal with such situations before?

It is important to expose teenagers   to the good as well as the bad situations they might encounter in life. Exposure, not in a way to endanger their lives but to educate them on what goes on in the world outside the safe place they call home. Some parents do not allow their teenagers to go to parties or to the movies with their friends. They make the decision as to what age their children can go off to college. There are some who feel that at the age of eighteen their children are still to young to leave for college.

Parents have to understand that simply growing older without gaining the experience necessary to deal with real life situations and problems they might encounter along the way will hinder rather than help teenagers. They need to be allowed the freedom necessary to make import decisions because parents are not always going to be around to make these decisions for them.

Teach your children values, the importance of believing in themselves and to know the difference between right and wrong. Let them know that you have enough faith to believe in them and that you trust them to make the right choices in life. They are not going to be perfect and they are going to make mistakes, but this is how they are going to gain experience and learn to deal with the problems they encounter. Life is a learning process.

JOKES

 

 DOCTOR JOKES

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. 

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.” 

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?” 

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

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Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results. 

The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab,

the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.” 

“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith. 

“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.” 

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?” 

“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”

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After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office. 

“Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.” 

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him up to dry.” 

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LAWYER JOKES

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. 

The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?” 

“Yes,” said Sam , “I saw him plainly take the goods.” 

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?” 

“Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.” 

Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?” 

Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

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A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” 

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.” 

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” 

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?” 

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” 

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?” 

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.” 

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” 

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.” 

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” 

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.” 

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” 

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

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A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. 

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. 

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. 

The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out. 

The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” 

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. 

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.” 

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

**************************************************************************************************************************************DRUNK JOKES

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. 

“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock” the drunk replied. 

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend. 

“Yup” replied the drunk. 

“How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it. 

“Watch” the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. 

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed “You friggin’ IDIOT!…it’s ten past three in the morning!” 

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A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 

“Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.” 

One Cent?” the man exclaimed. 

He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” 

“A nickel,” the barman replied. 

“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. 

“Where’s the guy who owns this place?” 

The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.” 

The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” 

The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.” 

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A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. 

That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. 

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. 

“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.” 

“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?” 

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?” 

“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

 

 

Parenting

 

 

The new school year began for many students today. It is a day filled with mixed emotions for children as well as parents. Some parents are seeing their children off to school for the very first time. Some children will accept this new change with curiosity an excitement, others will be crying and hanging on to their parents for dear life. Yes change is not always easy and parents need to understand that it is going to take a while for some children to adjust.

Some children will be moving up to higher grade. Some will be going to new schools. For a lot of children there is going be a period of adjustment. Be patient with them and try to be understanding. It is also a period of adjustment for those parents whose children have gone off to college. This is especially true for those who are attending college in another country or another state. You have them home all their lives and suddenly they are gone from home and each day those empty rooms remind you they are not there.

As parents we all knew that this day was coming. Keep in close contact with them. Make sure the lines of communication between you and them are open because college can be challenging for many young people. Some cannot handle being on their own and making import decisions in regards to relationships and other social behaviors very well and might do things they do not necessarily believe is right, in order to fit it. You have to let them no it is okay to stand up for what they believe in and not follow the crowd. It is okay to be different when it is for a good reason!

 

JOKES

 

Bar Jokes

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus

 

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.

“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”

 

 

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

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Men Jokes

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.” The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

 

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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

 

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A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases.”

 

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General Jokes

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” He responded.

“Oh, killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

 

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,” he insisted. “And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,” he said. “Any comments?” His new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

 

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woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” “What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you’re bad luck.”

 

JOKES

MONEY JOKES

 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the
difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?”

The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between
‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The boy replied, “Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers
and a future congressman.”

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any “we” in the first place.”

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they’d do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. ‘Alec !’ yelled the teacher, ‘you’ve done nothing. Why?’ ‘Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do !’

When George found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles club where he checked out the most beautiful woman he had ever seen..

Her natural beauty was astounding it took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 15 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

 

 

FUNNY JOKES

After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

 

 

 

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. “The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

JOKES

Jokes

Religious Joke

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,” Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.” “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Is God Real?


An atheist professor was teaching a college class at Alabama and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.  He said, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!” Ten minutes went by.

He kept taunting God, saying, “Here I am, God. I’m still waiting.” He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, “What’s the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The football player replied, “GOD WAS BUSY; HE SENT ME!”

There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.” The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week.”

DOCTOR JOKES

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”
The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Double-mint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.”
The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

A man is talking to the family doctor. “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”

The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”

 

JOKES

Sit back, relax and enjoy some jokes!!

Lawyer Jokes

 

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable – in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a ripoff – how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stone-cutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stone-cutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put “here lies an honest lawyer” “But that won’t let people know who it is” protested the lawyer. “Certainly will,” retorted the stone-cutter. “people will read it and exclaim, “That’s Strange!”

young donkey with dark hair lying on the ground takes the Sun Stock Photo - 13587162

An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn’t get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

 

 

DOCTOR JOKES

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn’t make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, “When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way.”

The patient demanded, “Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant.”

“WHAT?” yelled the doctor. “Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants.”

“Well,” explained the patient, “my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized.”

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn’t been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?”

The doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. “She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mumsy,” said the girl. “Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!” The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor. “It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”

 

 

 

BAR JOKES

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. “I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!” Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, “Man, how many bars do you work at?”

JOKES

Sit back relax and have a good laugh at these jokes!!!!!

Lawyer Jokes

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!”

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant’s lawyer.”

 

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! “Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

 

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an
attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer’s heart. “It was easy,” explained the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.

BAR JOKES

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.

“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.

“And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Logic of the Irish

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, “You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each of me brothers and one for me self.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

“Oh, no. Everyone’s fine,” He explains, “I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking.”

PARENTING

Teenage Pregnancy and Coping With it

A mother’s hopes and dreams for her teenage daughter may be dashed to pieces when she becomes pregnant before completing high school. Many mothers work hard and make many sacrifices to give their children a good life. You do your best to make sure she stays in school and you cannot wait for the day when she graduates from college. The last thing you expect is for her to drop out of school to have a baby. Pregnancy was not part of the plans you had for her, this was not supposed to happen. You might experience a number of emotions ranging from anger, disappointment, a sense of frustration and the feeling that you have somehow failed.
No doubt, you are going to ask, “How could you let this happen?” The truth is more than likely she did not deliberately set out to get pregnant. She was perhaps just experimenting with sex not giving a thought to pregnancy. It could even be just a one-time experience and she got pregnant.
The initial reaction is to be angry you may think your daughter is careless and has no ambition. She may have been careless but because she has made a blunder does not mean she has no ambition. You are going to voice your disappointment, that is understandable but it is not going to help the situation. Go ahead and voice your displeasure, tell her how you feel, but when you are done the next step is deal with the situation. Just like any other problem you encounter in life, you have to find a way to deal with it. This is the point in her life when your daughter needs you more than ever; do not turn your back on her.
Some parents get so angry about their teen getting pregnant that they will ask her to immediately leave the home and go to whoever got her pregnant. It is okay to feel angry and frustrated but putting your daughter out of the house is not the answer. In fact, this might only serve to lessen any chance of the teenager been able to pick up the pieces and go back to school and later, college. It could also create an environment where she might go on to have more children.
Take the story of Melissa, she was fourteen years old when she became pregnant, her parents were so angry that they asked her to leave the house. Having nowhere to go, she went to live with her child’s father but soon after the baby was born his abusive behavior forced her to leave him. She was grateful to the other guy who took her in. One year later, she was once again pregnant and as if her troubles were not already enough before the baby was even born, he left her.
Caught up in a situation with no job, no one to help her and two children to care for she found herself falling into the arms of yet another guy who professed to love her and promised that he would take care of her and the children. However, it was only a matter of time before he went back on his words. Once more with one more child, she was again on her own.
At the age of twenty instead of accomplishing some form of career, she was living in a run-down tenement, occupying one room with three hungry children to care for, often relying on the kindness of the other tenants to survive. At times, she would curse her fate and vow never to let another man near her. In harsh economic times promises like that may be hard to keep, because it is hard for a mother to sit by and watch her children go hungry; when another man comes along promising to help the chances are that she might fall for it. Times are tough and one cannot be too judgmental.
This situation might have turned out differently had the parents taken a different approach. Instead of turning her out of the home, they could have been supportive. Everyone makes mistake any everyone deserves a second chance. They could have let her remain in the home and have the baby. The child could have gone to daycare if there was no one at home to take care of him or her. This would have allowed the mother to go back to school. If they family could not afford daycare, finding a foster home would have been another option. Some people might say why not give the child up for adoption and that too could be an option. However, foster care may be more suitable than adoption. Foster care allows the teenager to be in touch with her child; in adoption, she might never get to see her child again.
Adoption means the mother is permanently giving up rights to her child. The teenage mother is at a point in her development where she is not emotionally or mentally mature enough to make this kind of decision. She may feel that she is been forced to give her child away. This might bring about resentment towards her parents although she knows they are only trying to help. Stronger than the resentment could be the feeling of guilt. She may experience feelings of guilt about giving the child up for adoption because of her inability to care for him or her.
Most women have very strong maternal feelings towards their babies once they are born. Believing that your daughter is too young to be a mother does not mean she cannot have very strong maternal instincts towards her child. A mother’s instinct is usually to care for her young one so when the child is in an environment such as a foster home where she is able to take an active part in the child’s life it will be easier to deal with rather than to deal with the feeling that she has somehow abandoned her child. If she is satisfied with the care her child is been given there might come a time when she might feel comfortable enough to allow the foster parents to adopt.
Parents deal with pregnancy in different ways. Some the moment they find out will opt for abortion. Not everyone agrees on abortion. In some countries, abortions are illegal except in situations where the mother’s life may be threatened. The rights and wrongs of abortion is still been debated.
Abortion may seem like an easy solution to your daughter’s predicament but unless the pregnancy is going to endanger the life of the teenager, I do not think that should be an option. It may seem like a quick fix, but it can also have repercussions. There are cases where even mature women after having abortions spend years dealing with the guilt of having done so. This kind of guilt might be hard for the teen to deal with and she might go about dealing with it in the wrong way.
You may have difficulty understanding why soon after the termination of a pregnancy your daughter gets pregnant again. You may think your daughter is just been rebellious; this might not necessarily be the case. It could be more of a coping mechanism, her way of trying to deal with the guilt of having aborted a child in the first place. By having another child to replace the one she has lost might somehow ease the guilt. Although there might be a quick fix to the initial problem, that of the pregnancy there is no quick fix for the emotional trauma an abortion might leave.
In any case, a quick fix to the problem is not necessarily the best answer because your daughter might continue to live a careless life-style knowing that if she gets in trouble you are going to take care of it. Letting her have the baby might teach her responsibility. It will make her understand that taking care of a baby is not an easy job; it is a lot of hard work and sleepless nights. This may serve as a deterrent for another pregnancy.
The best way to deal with these problems is to try to prevent them from happening in the first place. Okay so you are going to ask, “How can I prevent my daughter from getting pregnant?”
The truth is that you cannot, but by having continuous dialogue with your daughter, you may be able to get her to focus on the things that are important, such as getting an education and a career. As your daughter enters her teenage years, you have to prepare yourself for the moment when she will want to start dating. Strictly forbidding her to have a boyfriend will in no way guarantee her not getting pregnant because might get involved with someone keep the relationship a secret and still end up getting pregnant.
If your sixteen year old [I say sixteen but I know many teens start dating before that age] says “Mom I want to start dating.” Do not be close-minded and brush it aside. She came to you; that is a good start. Try to create an atmosphere of trust between you and your daughter. When your daughter starts dating try to get to know the person she is dating.
It is important to talk to your daughter about not getting involved in a sexual relationship at an early age point out to her some of the disadvantages. Encourage her to make her education her first priority. Let her know that sex can wait and that not having sex is not an opportunity lost but getting pregnant could very well bring about a set back for her.
You need to make it clear to her that by allowing her to date does not mean you are giving her permission to have sex. Let her know that you trust her to stay focus in school and not let her relationship take presidency over her education. Tell her not to allow anyone to pressure her into having sex. If the person really cares about her, love and respect her, he will be willing to wait. She should never compromise and give in just to please him. Instead, she should stay focused on what it is that she wants to achieve in her life. After all her life should not be about her pleasing her boyfriend, it should be about her fulfilling her dreams.
Peer-pressure sometimes contribute to teenagers having sex at an early age so you need to make your daughter understand that because her friends are having sex does not mean that she have to have sex too. Tell her she will have sexual feelings at times but that does not mean she has to give in to them. Nevertheless, what if she you find out that in spite of everything you have told her she is having sex, what can you do? You can ground her, tell her she can no longer see her boyfriend or go out with him, but do you honestly think that  is going to work. More than likely, they are going to find a way to see each other and you have no guarantee that she will not continue to engage in sex. If it happens once, there is a greater chance of it happening again.
What do you do in a situation like this? Of course, you are going to tell her she should not be having sex, but she already knows that. You can talk to her and punish her but frankly there is very little else that you can do so you might want to try talking to her about protection.  Gone are the days when you could give her a pack of birth control pills and tell her to take them. We have not only pregnancy to worry about but also sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS. The safest method of prevention in both situations is the use of the condom.
You might experience a sense of consternation and a feeling of being overwhelmed having to say to your daughter, “If you insist on having sex make sure that a condom is used. It may appear as if you are condoning what she is doing when actually this is the last thing you want happening. Situations such as these help make you realize how difficult the job of parenting can be. There are instances where you are going to have to compromise although you might not want to. To be pig-headed and lay down laws will not necessarily bring about the result you desire. It is the nature of teenagers to be rebellious and if they insist on doing something, in spite of what you say or do they will find a way to do it.
Instead of taking an antagonistic approach, it is better to try to have a good relationship with your daughter. You are not going to feel comfortable with what she is doing but you have to decide which is the lesser of two evils. Should you encourage condom use when you are positive she is having sex or just continue to oppose the idea, hoping that she will adhere to your wishes and at the same time leaving her in a situation where she is exposed not only to the risk of getting pregnant but to also contracting transmittable diseases? There is an old saying that goes “You can lead a horse to the water but you can’t force it to drink.” Trying to prevent the problem might be the better alternative in this situation.
You can take comfort in the thought that having protective sex there is a greater chance of your daughter graduating and go on to college without having her education interrupted by worries of pregnancy.  Remember that no matter how trying the circumstances may seem it is not going to be forever.
Do not worry about what other people might think or say it is none of their business. Your goal is to ensure that she receives a good education and a career. This will place her in a position where she will be able to get a good job and thus have economic independence and security.
The day will come when you will be able to breathe a sigh of relief and experience a sense of satisfaction on having done a good job.

Taking Charge and Making Changes

To you my followers I do apologize for the fact that I have not been posting any thing much lately.  I have been busy working on a book which is now near completion.  I wish to share a chapter with you.  You can give me your feedback.

Single Parenting

     In days gone by the man generally accepted as the head of the family.  He was the one in charge of the household; he was the main provider.  While this is still the case in some homes there is an increase in the number of single parent homes where the fathers are conspicuous in their absence and the job of raising the children rests solely on the mothers.

Too many men are relinquishing their responsibilities as fathers.  Too many are coming up short in the approach they take towards caring for their families.  It is time for men to stand up, be men, and play the role that they are supposed to play.  It is the responsibility of a man to take care of his family and support his children; too many are failing to do so.

Being a man is not about how many children he can father and by how many women.  It should be about taking caring of his children and living a lifestyle that they can emulate.  Men must try to be good role models for their children.  They should be there for them, nurturing them and helping to mold them into the exemplary individuals that they can be.  They should be responsible fathers.

One cannot be unduly harsh since there are situations where many of these fathers were themselves brought up in single parent homes where the fathers were absent.  However, a man should not use this as an excuse.  He should not say, “My mother alone raised me and I turned out all right.”  He should instead seize the opportunity to stop the vicious cycle, to make the change, be the father that his dad never was and do what he knows is in fact the right thing to do.

Men need to understand that although they might achieve great accomplishments, get degrees, win medals, get accolades even; unless they live up to their responsibilities and play the role they are supposed to play in the lives of their families, they have failed.

The job of parenting is not an easy one.  None of us was born with parenting skills; it is something that we learn as we go along and alas it appears to be too tough a job for some men to handle and yet they think they are the stronger sex!

I sometimes wonder if it is a situation that some of these men suffer from amnesia which makes it so easy for them to get a child with a woman and move on to get a child with another and keep moving on without taking responsibility for any of these children.   They seem to have no memory that these children exist.  On deeper reflection these men are not worthy to be called fathers for they are in fact merely sperm donors.  They simply donate the sperms and that is the end of the story.

Women have been forced into the role of single parents in situations where the man was not there from the start or he left at some point in the relationship completely deserting his family.  I know of a case of a woman, who was with a man for over ten years, they had five children together.  The youngest child was about four months old when he left her and married another woman.  I remember her wanting a stove and having to wait for hours with that baby until he got back from church with his new wife to sign as a guarantor for her.  This case is not unique. There is another case where a man left his woman with seven children and married another woman.

Women need to stop been selfish and try to be kinder to each other in order to stop the hurt.  He is leaving her with five or seven children and you take him and you marry him.  What kind of sister does that to another sister?  As sisters, we need to start looking out for each other.   Some women will say, “Oh is him come look me.”  Yes maybe so but that does not mean you could not have said no when you learned about the other woman and her children.  I have been in those kind situations.  I remember this particular guy who kept asking me out, I knew his girlfriend had only recently had a baby so each time he asked me to go out with him I would ask him, “How is your girlfriend and how is they baby?”  One day he said to me, “Why every time I ask you out you ask me about my girlfriend and the baby?”  I said to him, “You seem to keep forgetting about them, so I have to keep reminding you.”  He never asked me out after that.

Women, stop acting so desperate for a man that if one tells you he likes you, even though you know he has a woman and children you are just going to dismiss them and hop into bed with him.  Do not try to ease your conscience by telling yourself that if the woman were doing everything right her man would stay home.   Men do not need a reason to cheat and because he may leave her to be with you does not mean he is going to stay with you even if you manage to convince him to marry you.  Women do not know what it is like to feel abandoned or cheated on until they have experienced it themselves.  I know of an individual who for years was in a relationship with another woman’s husband, eventually she broke up with him found someone else and got married.  When she found out that her husband was cheating on her she said she felt like she was going to go mad, she said it was then that she realized how the other woman must have felt when she was having a relationship with her husband.  Karma can be a bitch.  If you are going to leave someone else hurting do not count too much on having a happily ever after with him.

Getting back to the job of single parenting, as the saying goes a job worth doing is worth doing well.  Despite all the odds women need to do their best in raising their children.  You know how the cards are stacked; you know what you are working with.  You know the one person your children are depending on is you so you cannot afford to fail them.

As a good parent, you have to ensure that their day-to-day needs are taken care of.  You also have to ensure that they get a good education.  Many women are in low paying jobs and this sometimes makes it difficult for them to keep up with day-to-day expenses.  While some of these women decide to go it alone, others simply cannot cope.  Once the fathers can be located, women should utilize the facilities set up to collect money from delinquent fathers.  By right, it should never have to come to this, but the way some men behave, the women simply do not have a choice.

The financial aspect however is only a part of parenting because parenting is more than just putting food on the table and clothes on their back.  It is imperative that children get the opportunity of a good education, as this is one of the most fundamental aspects of their development.  There is also the question of discipline.  There is a consensus that there is a breakdown of discipline in society.  In order to curb this trend and bring things back on par, one has to begin by maintaining discipline in the home.

Boundaries have to be set and rules and regulations lay down by which children should abide.  This should begin from an early age.  Parents should ensure that children adhere to the rules irrespective of gender.  Too often, we monitor the girls while allowing the boys to roam free.  It is understandable that parents are concerned about their daughters, the fear of them getting pregnant and dropping out of school.  However, for a son there is an equal danger of him falling into the wrong crowd, doing drugs or getting involved in petty crimes.  He might be even brainwashed into believing that there is an easier way to make it in life and that is by selling drugs or getting involved in other illegal activities instead of working hard and staying in school.

The bling, bling, the flashy cars and expensive jewels may be hard for him to resist and once he gets a taste for that kind of life, it will be hard to convince him that there is a better way.  Therefore, mothers keep a reign on your boys.  Do not say he did not turn out right because his daddy was not around.  Get involved in their lives.  Get to know their friends.  Know the people with whom they are socializing.  Make sure they adhere to curfews and they are not hanging out all night on the street corners.  The dangers out there may be worse than that of getting pregnant.

Talk to your children, have an open line of communication.  Try to build trust between yourself and them.  Make them feel like it is okay to tell you anything.  They should be able to come to you with any problem that they might have, make them feel safe.  Encourage them to do their best in school.  Take an interest in their school life.  Make sure that they do their homework.  Talk to your children about the importance of having a career or learning a skill.  Although you should guide them in choosing the right career, the ultimate decision should be theirs.  There is no point in forcing a child to pursue a career that he or she is not happy doing.

There are instances where parents not having accomplished their own career dreams try to get their children to live out their dreams for them.  This of course is not a reasonable wish, it is their lives and they ought to be able to choose what it is that they want to do.

We should teach children to stand up for what they believe in and not to give in to peer-pressure.  They must learn to be responsible, to stay away from drugs and not to engage in promiscuous behavior.

The task of holding down a job and been a full time mom is not an easy one.  Can you imagine what it is like for those who are holding down two and three jobs in order to take care of their families?  This sometimes creates a situation where they do not have enough time to spend with their children.  Despite the stress of work and running a household parents have to find a way to spend quality time with their children.  You have to find time to sit and talk with your children allowing them the opportunity to talk about anything they might want to talk about with you.  When they have problems, you have to ensure that you find time to help them get through it.

In order that you do not become too overworked and burnt out, it might be a good thing to delegate the jobs around the house.  You could give each child a chore that he or she is able to perform competently.  With each child, helping in whatever way possible chores will complete much quicker.  This will not only teach children responsibility, but it also creates more time for the family to spend together.

You have to make time for the family to have fun together.  As the saying goes, “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.  Children like having fun; they need amusement in their lives.  You could have movie night where the family goes out together.  You can go on picnics or go to the beach and visit local places of interest.  All this will have to be within the family budget.  If the family can afford to go out only once a month, so be it because there are other things the family can do together at home as a form of recreation.  You can have games night where you play games and have popcorn and ice cream for example.  This gives the children something to look forward to and make them realize that they can stay at home and still have fun.

No one has the ability to perform miracles, but it is imperative that mothers try to guide and steer their children in the right direction.  Once children begin at an early age to live a positive life-style the job of parenting as they become older will not be so daunting.  As the old saying goes, “You have to bend the tree while it is still young.”

As a single mother, you need to b careful not to indulge in self-pity. Do not go around looking as if you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulder.  There are thousand if not millions of women in a similar situation as you are.  In fact, you might find that some are in a far worse situation than you are.

There are times when out of frustration you will say things that can be interpreted in a wrong way.  You therefore need to be careful about what you say to your children.  Never say to the child, “If it was not for you I could have done this or that.”  I will leave the impression that the child is being blamed for something, which he or she had no control over in the first place.  Children need to feel that you love them and that they are wanted.  Do not say things that will have a negative impact.  Whatever your circumstances, never give your children the impression that you could have done better if it was not for them.

Do not throw your problems on your children because in time to come they will have their fair share of problems to deal with.  Let their childhood days be happy ones.  While they are still young, let them enjoy every moment of their childhood.