EMPOWERING WOMEN

Home » Jokes » JOKES

JOKES

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 1,395 other followers

Follow me on Twitter

Instagram

Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.”

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.

********************************************************************************

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The funeral director,” said his wife.

*******************************************************************************

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”

 

*****************************************************************************

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 am.”
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… “It is 5.00am; wake up.”

****************************************************************************

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, “Now you have everything.”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Poetry Book

Ghosts of His Past

Follow EMPOWERING WOMEN on WordPress.com

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 1,395 other followers

Blogs I Follow

Roland's Ragbag

A Melange, a Miscellany, a Mishmash - of memories, reflections and comment

@poetryhub

poetry hub. poetry all day every day. my poetry. your poetry. find your next book here @flyingthroughthepages

Betsey Venom

Fashion, Thrifting & D.I.Y. Style

SCL.

Welcome to my head

SAND DOLLAR SEASON

PENNY POEMS and OTHER WORDS...

Frank J. Tassone

haikai poetry matters

A RAIN-DRIED NOTION

Drop by to read short stories, reviews, etc

Melody+Theology

Sing a new song to Him; play skillfully on the strings, with a joyful shout. For the word of Yahweh is right, and all His work is trustworthy. Psalm 33:2-3 HCSB

Fidget

fidgetpoetry

Worried Prose

Why not read some poems?

Mild Musings from a Mediocre Man

This side was made for you and me

Sex With Luna

Sex, Love, & Passion

Bad Writer

I post my poems and short stories. Hope you like them. If you'd like to use some of these, or quote from them, please credit me. Thanks everyone.

Lost in Thought

photography and musings

%d bloggers like this: